Something Wrong
by Notatracer
Summary: *Complete* Part 4. Follows ‘Leviticus Sandbox’. Metatron turns Azrael into the thing he hates most in order to fix the Point Pleasant mess.
1. Mission From God

(Story order: 1. Hell's Napkin 2. Uncomfortably Green 3. Leviticus Sandbox 4. Something Wrong 5. Black Eye Perplexity; also Azrael Drabbles: short stories from my universe) a/n: my (former) muse wishes to thank comedy kitty for helping him off the bus.

Azrael slowly began to wake up. The last thing he remembered was falling over dead. It was coming back to him. He'd been stabbed in the back and kicked off the roof of St. Michael's. Delilah was lying on the ground covered in blood. Saminga hit him. It went a little fuzzy after that. Now he was someplace that he knew wasn't the Pit. 

There was no screaming and it smelt like… he wasn't sure what it smelt like. It wasn't the usual offensive odor though. Sort of musty. He felt strange. His mind was still cloudy so he couldn't quite put his finger on what exactly felt different. He did notice that there was only the sound of his own voice in his head. That was good… lonely, but good. 

As his mind started to clear a bit, he realized that there was something damp and wet across his eyes… and that he was lying in a very comfortable bed. He reached up to find that it was a wet wash cloth across his face, and pulled it off.

He looked around at his new, very much not Hell, surroundings. He was in a bedroom of some sort. There was very little in the room aside from the usual furniture, a small tv, radio, and an odd potted plant. He tried to sit up, but was stopped by a gentle hand on his forehead.

The hand belonged to a little old lady who had been sitting beside the bed the entire time, but had gone completely unnoticed.

"Lay back down, dear. That was quite a nasty fall you had. You need your rest."

Azrael looked over at her, intent on asking a million questions. _Where am I? How did I get here? Why are the sounds in my head gone? Why do I feel so strange? Don't you know I'm a fucking demon?_ He thought better of it and said nothing instead. He was just grateful he wasn't waking up to Saminga pummeling him. 

The little old lady leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

"I'm going to go watch my stories. You go back to sleep, Joseph."

Azrael could only stare at her, completely confused. She smiled, then left him to rest, shutting the bedroom door behind herself. He sat up in the bed, trying to piece this together but was, per usual, coming up completely blank. None of this made any sense. He reached up, intent on running his hand through his hair. What he did, however, was _not_ brush up against his horns. They were gone. Millions of years of those damnable things and they were gone, just like that. Innumerable amounts of new emotions were filling him. 

There was nothing odd about the room except for the fact that it looked as though it hadn't been lived in… and the strange appearance of the potted plant. Perhaps it was the old lady's guestroom. The clothes he was wearing weren't his. He had on a Jersey Devils t-shirt and a pair of boxer shorts. It suddenly occurred to him why he felt so strange. A stranger feeling than that of his new found emotions and of his loss of horns combined. Timidly he peeked inside his shorts, only half expecting what he found.

"Holy shit!"

"Holy shit is right," said Metatron as he arrived just in time to see Azrael make his new discovery. "That's the last thing someone like you needs."

Azrael looked up at Metatron, with a slight flush of embarrassment combined with a whole lot of confusion. Then, he did the last thing he wanted to do in front of the Voice of God… he began to cry. Not a pitiful weep, but a flood of tears that betrayed the annoyed look that was on his face. He didn't feel sad. What was wrong with him? It was like he couldn't control what his body was doing anymore, though technically this was the first time he'd ever actually had a body. He wiped at his eyes with the palms of his hands.

Metatron stood nearby, quietly watching. He looked as though he was slightly amused at the overemotional display. He probably was. The angels always did hold a perverse desire to see a crying demon, which up until this moment, none had. 

Azrael tried his best to stop the steady flow. Finally he just sucked back what he could and wiped his face with his shirt. He thought he saw a smile cross Metatron's lips.

"What's wrong with me? This feels horrible."

"God has made you human."

Azrael sat for a moment, sniffing and rolling the concept of humanity around in his head. Common sense had told him that he was human, but he didn't believe it until Metatron said it out loud.

"Human? Why in the hell am I human? And who is that woman? And why is she calling me Joseph? And… and why the fuck can I not stop crying?"

Metatron waited a minute for Azrael to calm his uncontrollable tears before trying to explain.

"You are human because we needed someone to find the girl that They are hiding. We decided on you because you're the only one who knows what she looks like. And, you are also the last one They would suspect. If we sent one of our boys down, They'd almost certainly know. You, on the other hand, are just a worthless suicidal muse to Them. I should know because you're pretty much the same to us. Bloody nuisance is what you are."

"Why should I help you? What has He ever done for me? Not a fucking thing."

"I can tell you this, if you don't help, you'll remain a human until you die. Incidentally, don't get any bright ideas and get yourself killed. Standard rules apply. If you die in your human form, you go to Hell as a mortal soul. And, I'm sure there's plenty of people down there who'd love that. Also, as an added incentive, if… when you succeed in finding the girl, there's a chance that the war can be avoided. Or, at least postponed for the time being."

Azrael sniffed again. He wanted to bargain for reentry into heaven, but knew that there was no room for haggling. If he pissed Metatron off, he might be stuck in this cursed human form. Then, again…

"Don't even ask, demon! If God wanted you back in, you'd have been there already."

"You weren't up there when I got tossed out. Unjustly punished for the actions of the brutish morons who I've had the misfortune of spending more than a few millennia with. You were just a fucking human. One who hadn't even been born yet. I was a beautiful angelic creation. I was inspiration."

"You were a coward. Everyone in Heaven knows the story."

"Don't talk to me about 'the story'. You weren't there. Most of those bastards weren't there. They didn't see it first hand. It wasn't just some glorious battle. A good against evil type thing. Once it started, that line got blurred. Did you know that the Grigori children were murdered during this war that your type thinks back so fondly on? Not killed in the way humans die, but completely wiped out of existence. When you go back up, ask David and Dominic how it felt to take the lives of the innocent. Hell, go find Bartleby and ask how it felt when his only son had a sword run through him. If _not_ murdering my friends makes me a coward… then, fuck it, I'm a coward. But, I did not deserve to get sent down into that fucking cesspit. Especially when those who did far worse things than I continue to be angels."

"And that is precisely why you need to help in stopping this new war before it starts. I fear this one's going to be a lot worse than the last. I can't make you an angel again. I can't even make you simply a dead human in Heaven. But, I did suggest you be the one to help stop this mess. I sent Delilah down to stab you in the back."

"Delilah stabbed me?!"

"Yes. You had to die in order for us to turn you human. You had to be in that transition period between death and I guess you could call it rebirth. That bastard Saminga showed up and kicked you off the roof then did a number on her. Almost ruined our plans. Don't know what he got her with, but it was a sight. 

"Now, onto your mission. You were found lying unconscious on the ground, outside of this house by the elderly woman you met earlier. Call her Nana. She thinks that you're her grandson, Joseph. She's kind, but a little senile. Joseph's been dead for a couple of years. His parents are dead as well. His ex-wife still lives in the Village so you should stay away just to be on the safe side. You're in New Jersey, about two streets over from the rift. We know that the girl has to be somewhere in the general area. Should you need them, the Prophets are nearby in Leonardo. You'll most likely find them at a store called the Quick Stop. Remembering all of this might be difficult as you're stuck with a pathetic mortal brain now. Speaking of, your human brain does not allow you seek out angels telepathically. If you get into trouble, you're going to have to bite the bullet and pray. Do it right and God will hear you, do it wrong and you're 'up shit creek' as they say here on Earth. Nana has plenty of Joseph's old clothes from when he would visit for you to wear. On the table, you'll find a wallet. Inside is about a hundred dollars in cash. Don't waste it because that's all you're getting. 

"While you're down here or up here as the case may be, you're going to have to learn how to make use of a digestive system. And, from what I remember it's not a pleasant experience. Though in my day we just shat in a hole in the ground. Anyway… we believe that you and the girl will inadvertently find each other again. Just as you did in the store then again on the beach. Serendipity's still skeptical, but we're not taking any chances. Good luck, Azrael. And, for God's sake, stop crying."


	2. The First Day

Stop crying. That was easy for him to say. Azrael wasn't crying on purpose. It was totally involuntary and more than a little embarrassing. Maybe it was eons of depression and regret finally able to manifest itself. Or maybe it was a reaction to feeling the heavenly presence that simply flooded off of Metatron. Or perhaps it was no more complicated than Azrael's inability to control all these new feelings and such. Regardless, it was at least a half-hour after Metatron had finally left before the water works stopped.

Nana served him his first meal as a mortal. Soup and sandwich on a tv tray in bed. He'd become an old pro at chewing food, but eating while a demon was mostly an empty gesture. Tasting was one thing, but actually having to force this stuff inside was totally different. It was difficult at first. It was disgusting also. Somehow or another he managed to clean his plate and bowl, and by the time he'd finished he was almost enjoying himself. Not that it was any less disgusting, but it was a new experience. It made him warm inside, and inner warmth wasn't a feeling he was accustomed to. 

Of course, what goes in must come out; which gave him a crash course in the more undesirable aspects of being human. He wondered how they could do this all the time. And, why had God not made a more efficient version of man? Humans are far too fragile and wasteful. If they were a product, no one would buy. 

After he'd gotten over the trauma of taking his very first shit, Azrael sat on the edge of the bed and tried to search out with his mind. Metatron had said that he wouldn't be able to do that, but he thought he might as well try. He closed his eyes and called out to anyone he could think of who might answer back. Nothing aside from a headache came about. He sighed and was surprised at how air felt as it passed through his lungs. He had actual lungs now. Not just the completely transparent breathing that his kind did for some reason, which technically wasn't even breathing at all. He'd have to remember not to forget to breathe.

He looked around the room and found a pair of pants draped over the back of the chair that Nana had been sitting on earlier. They were jeans, which he soon discovered had a hole in one of the knees. He smiled at this. If he was going to be a human for a while, he might as well dress completely opposite than his usual neat appearance. He threw on the pair of Doc Martens that he found under the bed, grabbed his wallet, and was out the door in a matter of minutes. 

He squinted out into the sun. It was bright outside, but it didn't really hurt his eyes so much. Maybe he could get used to this mortal business. He looked back at Nana's house, taking it in so he wouldn't forget which one to come back to. It was white with little flowers running along outside. Across the street was a two story brick building that simply radiated evil. He had never seen it before, but somehow Azrael knew that the ones who owned that house no doubt had ties to the underworld. That they were the type of people who wouldn't think twice about stealing from someone who's down on their luck. He stared at the house for a moment before realizing that a girl with light brown hair and skin was sitting on the steps staring back at him. 

She called back inside the house, "Hey Joe, there's some perv across the street staring at me."

Azrael ducked his head and walked away quickly, hoping that he wouldn't have to deal with this Joe character. Joe… that reminded him that his name was Joseph. You'd think there would be enough names in the world without so many people having the same ones. 

He walked to the end of the street, which was only a few houses down from Nana's. He glanced up at the street sign… Louis Street. At least he knew where he was now. He looked back over and saw that he wasn't standing beside another house, but it was a liquor store. Odd place for a store of any type, much less a liquor store. But, he wasn't one to argue. Well, actually he was, but he had more important matters to attend to. He hadn't been drunk since the night Loki lit a few fires around Sodom and Gomorra. 

He went in and emerged five minutes later holding as much beer as he could carry and a giant Slim Jim that he carried in his mouth. He walked back to Nana's. Just before he went inside, he noticed that there was a steady chorus of "la la la la la la la la… I just can't get you outta my head…" absolutely blasting from the upstairs of the house across the street. He wondered how anybody could stand to live there.

Once he was back inside his bedroom, he dumped the beer onto the bed and took his boots off. He picked up one of the bottles and looked at it for a moment. Sam Adams was a far cry from the stuff he and his former angel friends used to drink. He hit the corner of the bottle cap against the edge of one of the tables, knocking the cap off and putting a little dent in the table. He went through two beers before opening the Slim Jim and happily ate it. On the third beer, he started to rifle through the drawers of the tables and dresser. Most of them contained clothes. In the sock drawer he managed to find a single playing card, an open pack of Nails cigarettes, three toothpicks, a marble, and a cassette. According to the cassette's label, it was a homemade compilation of such groups as Home Alaskan and Lou Ford. He popped it into the player in the radio, thinking what better to get drunk to than the music of obscure alterna-folk bands. Midway through _Storz's Bar_ and the sixth beer, he fell asleep sprawled across the bed. His head hung over the edge, along with the arm that had the bottle. What remained in the bottle ended up on the floor. 


	3. Not Exactly Romantic

"Wakey, wakey… eggs and bakey…"

Azrael slowly opened his eyes to find everything upside down. His head was still hanging over the bed from where he had passed out the day before. His mouth tasted terrible and his face felt itchy. He rubbed at his eyes, hoping that would make the world come into focus better. He was too hung over to understand why everything looked wrong. When one hasn't gotten drunk in thousands of years, five and a half beers packed quite a punch. On top of that, demons were notorious lightweights. Angels were the raging alcoholics. 

A barely audible, "what?" was all he could say.

"I said….", she started before landing on his stomach hard enough to knock the wind out of him, "…wake up."

He lifted his head enough to see Delilah peering back at him. He grunted and let his head hang back down off the bed. She rolled off of him and pulled him by the arm into a sitting position. He put his hand over one of his eyes. The headache was so pounding that he thought his brain might just escape through his eye. He looked at her with the other. That narrowed, annoyed look he often gave her was there but less effective.

"I thought you were dead."

She shrugged. 

"You thought wrong."

Her kitten, Cheese, jumped from the floor onto the bed. It rubbed against Azrael's leg, purring. He recoiled from its touch.

"Get rid of that… thing."

Delilah shooed Cheese off the bed. Before the cat hit the floor it disappeared. Azrael dropped the hand from his eye and stared at her for a moment.

"You stabbed me, you bitch."

"No free will, remember. Besides, you were going to leave me for dead."

"No conscience, remember."

She sniffed the air.

"You smell like a human."

"Har de fucking har."

She wrinkled her nose this time.

"No, really, you smell like a human."

He sniffed at himself.

"You're right… fuck."

"I guess it's to be expected. You being one of _them _and all. So, what's it like?"

He thought about it. Terrible, horrible, uncomfortable, disgusting, smelly, painful, all around strange. He shrugged.

"Different."

"Have you, um…"

She motioned her head towards the open bathroom door. He followed her motion with his eyes, then shuddered. He looked down.

"I don't want to talk about it."

He paused before looking back up at her. He cursed his human body for making him feel all manners of new emotions. As he had expected, now that he had the ability to love… he still didn't hold anything but contempt for Delilah. But, something about his feelings just didn't matter anymore. He looked her up and down then grinned. 

"You know… I am completely human for a while… young, virile, sensitive to a woman's needs. It's almost a shame you're an angel."

She looked at him for a long moment before she burst out laughing. Not her usual girlish giggle, but a hearty 'you dumb bastard' laugh that surprised him with the force.

"You of _all_ people should know that I'm not really an angel. I'm a dead human. Well, human and demon mix. You were there, took me from my parents and then killed my mortal body."

"I never ki…" he started before remembering that yes he did.

"Living creatures don't go to the afterlife. You mashed my little body under a rock all because God told you to do so. He who wouldn't take arms against the angels could take the life of a baby."

Stupid human conscience was making an appearance. That little voice he'd been able to ignore for millions of years was loud and nagging.

"I'm sorry."

She rolled her eyes at him.

"Whatever. Don't start apologizing now that you're in this… this container. I like being who I am."

"All this time, I just assumed that you were like the rest of us. I mean, Metatron was a human and he has no qualms about telling anyone and everyone his gear's missing."

"Did you ever bother to look? Or at least ask me?"

He shrugged.

"And, Metatron was turned into an angel… I never was. I have wings because my father was a fallen angel and my mother was created by God. So, when all the bits and pieces of the collective choir were removed, I was spared along with the humans. Lucky you."

She smiled as she looked into his eyes. He immediately looked away, suddenly nervous. He was often nervous about things in his demon form, but it was more involved in human form. Along with the usual anxious feeling came an almost gargling from his stomach. Butterflies, the mortals called it. Ridiculous, Azrael called it. Annoying and uncomfortable also. Why was he so nervous and felt like moving as far away from her as possible? It didn't make any sense. 

She leaned forward and kissed him. For the first time he finally understood why people kissed. After all the things he'd experienced in the less than twenty-four hours he'd been human kissing was kinda nice. It was almost calming, and not nearly as disgusting as he remembered it being. 

Then, all the calm disappeared when her hand found the button of his jeans. He pushed her away slightly, and looked at her with the most concerned look to ever cross his face in his entire existence. All this humanity was making him far too expressive. His every uncertainty was advertised in his eyes.

"You've done this before, right?"

She shook her head 'no'.

"I was hoping that _you_ had… you know, back in the day."

"No. I was too busy working when I was in Heaven. Then, when I fell, I was too busy having the shit kicked out of me… and being lonely; not much time for anything else back then." 

He was starting to feel a little more comfortable. He often hated being around her. Her sweet little voice alone would cut through him like a knife. But, something about her now… looking at him with those large eyes of hers made him feel different. All those new human feelings were swirling around. It was almost like her presence reminded him that he wasn't alone in the universe after all. This time, he was the one who kissed her.

When his former angel friends would later hear about the events of this particular day, it would nowhere resemble the truth. Azrael would go on to tell them a story that was part romance novel part low budget porno. He made up this elaborate tale of how they'd fucked for hours and she had yelled his name and so forth. In truth, it lasted a little shy of three minutes and the only thing she yelled was "Ow! Take it out… take it out!"

It was awkward and uncomfortable, and not nearly as easy as it looked in the movies. They spent the first minute or so trying to figure out how exactly everything worked. The next was wasted on the simple clumsiness of it all. Then, finally, just as they were starting to get the hang of it… it was over. 

They lay beside each other and let a long silence pass between them. Delilah was the first to speak.

"I guess this is the part where I go make a sandwich and you fall asleep."

Azrael's reply was a grunt. Another long silence passed. This one, however, was broken by the sound of him snoring. Delilah looked over at him and sighed.

"I waited eons for _that_?" 


	4. Food Quest

Azrael opened his eyes and found that he was alone. 

"Good", he quietly said to himself. 

He glanced down at his watchless arm. He must've been asleep for about two, maybe three hours. He lay there for a few minutes, just staring up at the ceiling. He knew that he should set out trying to find the girl. He should, but he just didn't feel like it. He'd only been human for about a day and figured that there had to be more to it than this. Certainly they did more with their time than just eat, use the toilet, get drunk, sleep, and have sex. Then again, these were humans he was thinking about.

As he stood, the still unopened beer bottles that were at the foot of the bed clanked together; reminding him that they were there… warm, but there. As he set about looking for his clothes on the floor, every inch of his body reminded him of how human he was. He still had a headache, his back hurt, and just about everything else hurt as well. 

He put the same clothes that he was wearing earlier back on, soup stains from yesterday and all, then shuffled out into the living room. Nana saw him from the adjoining dining room and called out to him.

"Joseph, dear… the ladies from my church invited me to a prayer meeting. You're welcome to come if you like."

Azrael actually almost flinched at the idea of setting foot inside of a church and for an old ladies prayer meeting no less. 

"No… um… no."

Nana walked into the living room, bible in hand. The smell of her perfume was so strong that it was almost blinding.

"Okay, then… give me a hug."

He had to bend down to hug the small woman. Not that he wanted to hug her, but he figured the sooner he did the sooner she'd be gone. 

Once she was gone, he went into the kitchen on a quest for food. Nothing she had looked even the slightest bit appetizing. Unless you were a fan of prunes or buttermilk. He already knew that he didn't like prunes, and after sniffing the buttermilk decided that it wasn't for him either. He thought that perhaps he'd call and order a pizza, only he wasn't exactly sure of his address. He hated telephones anyway. 

There had to be a restaurant around there someplace. He put his Docs back on, not bothering to change clothes or anything else that would make him look the slightest bit more presentable, and left the house. He didn't have a key, so he had to leave the door unlocked.

It was just starting to get dark outside. He could see the lights coming off of the nearby hospital and decided to walk in that direction. Actually there were two nearby hospitals, but he chose the one that was on the same street as the rift. Not a conscious choice, even in a human body he was still naturally drawn in that direction. He followed the sidewalk until it came to the stoplight just outside the hospital, then turned to the left. He walked past a few houses, then stopped in front of one that had a bicycle with a missing wheel on the porch. He couldn't understand it, but he suddenly felt very sad looking at the house. Maybe it was some of his old demon intuition coming through, telling him that something unpleasant had happened there once. Solitary, heartbreaking guitar playing filtered down from the upstairs window. He shook those thoughts away and continued walking before that feeling consumed him. He couldn't waste time feeling other peoples' pain when he had his ongoing food quest to attend to. When he reached the corner of the street, he found that he had many places to choose from. There were so many businesses and people packed together so closely that it was sort of a mini version of the Village. Just ahead of him was the house that contained the rift. He made a mental note to avoid going near it, not wanting to accidentally fall into the portal to Hell while in a mortal body.

He decided on a pizza place that just happened to have his neighbor, who had called him a 'perv', working behind the counter. Standing, she was extremely short, little more than half his height. Hoping that she wouldn't recognize him, he ordered a triple order of garlic knots and a large Coke. She didn't charge him for any of it. She simply smiled and told him she'd bring it to him when it was done. 

He sat in the dining area near the tv. He stared blankly at the television, not really hearing a word of it. The girl brought out his food and then quickly went back to manning the counter. He looked down to find that written on his napkin was 'Anita' and a phone number. He put the napkin in his pocket; not actually intending to call her but kept it just in case. 

After eating his food, which he was still having a little difficulty swallowing, he left out the side door. He wasn't sure why, but he felt the need to avoid Anita. He was suddenly starting to become nervous around women, especially those who took an interest in him. When he was a demon he could say just about anything he wanted to, no matter how crude or inappropriate. His human self, however, was much less cooperative. It occurred to him that regardless of how long or short his time as a human was it would seem to have lasted forever. 


	5. Nobody Likes A Sloppy Drunk

Three days passed. Three days in which Azrael didn't leave Nana's house. He'd been a human now for almost an entire week and hadn't even made the slightest effort to find the girl. He'd spent his time laying around, drinking, watching tv, and taking full advantage of the central air.

He was sitting on the steps of the porch, idly enjoying the nice day. He was wearing the same clothes that he'd been constantly wearing since he arrived along with a pair of sunglasses. He was barefoot and had five days worth of facial hair. There was a beer bottle in one hand and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He looked rough. 

"Azrael?"

He looked over to see that Serendipity had appeared, sitting on the step beside him, and was giving him a most unpleasant stare.

"Seren-dippity-fucking-dee, to what do I owe the honor?"

"I was sent because you haven't gotten off your lazy ass all week. What have you been doing?"

Azrael thought about it for a moment while taking his cigarette out and flipping it out into the road. He shrugged.

"Getting drunk mostly."

"I can see that."

"Oh, and I lost my virginity."

Serendipity gave him an odd look that he couldn't quite read. 

"They made you a complete human… wow…"

He smiled at her.

"You wanna see?"

"No!"

His smile faded.

"It's just weird. Why would they make you a completely defined mortal? And, I never equated you and virgin before."

"Well, I never equated you and hot before… but, this stupid body makes me feel all kinds of strange stuff. So, did they give you a hole down there this time or what?"

"That's none of your business!"

He noticed that the look on her face said that she didn't like where this was going, but he didn't care. He leered at her.

"You know… everybody keeps reminding me that we're not really brother and sister. What say we go back to my room? Just you, me, and a stick of butter."

He leaned forward, intending on planting a drunken kiss on her, but was stopped by her hand on his chest pushing him back. 

"I'm _not _human!"

"Well, you've got a mouth, so…" 

"Jesus, Azrael! What's that smell?"

He shrugged, looking back over at her, clearly dejected.

"That would be me."

"You smell like a human."

"So I'm told."

"Go put your shoes on, we have a job to do."

A few minutes after he'd gone inside to put his shoes on, Azrael emerged on the porch again. This time he had a little brown paper bag in his hand. He wobbled a bit as he walked down the stairs.

"Do you have to bring that? You look a wino... smell like one too."

"I'm going to enjoy being a free willed human as long as I can. You look pretty today." 

He tried to put his arm around her, but she pushed him away.

"I never thought I'd prefer you as a demon. Now, let's go." 

Seeing as Serendipity couldn't transport both of them, only Metatron was that powerful, they had to walk to the bus stop. Azrael could have done it if he were still a demon, instead of an inebriated human. It should have been about a twenty minute walk to get to the bus stop near the rift, but given that he was more than a little drunk, it took about thirty minutes or so to get there. 

They were already on the bus when Azrael finally decided to ask where they were going.

"Leonardo. We are going to have a little chat with the Prophets."

Azrael groaned at the sound of that. There was something about the Prophets that rubbed him the wrong way. He took another drink from his bottle in the bag. Then, he remembered Serendipity sitting right beside him. He leaned over a little bit, seeing if he could look down her top. She glanced over at him and he quickly looked away. Just as quickly, one of his hands found it's way onto her thigh and his lips onto her neck. She shoved him away from her, then slapped him hard. 

"Touch me again and I'll shove that fucking bottle into a very uncomfortable place." 

Azrael slouched down in the seat, looking out the window in time to notice that despite the sunny day, there was a black rain cloud located over a single apartment building. He reached up and started to scratch his head. Serendipity looked over at him, getting angrier the longer he scratched. She grabbed his arm by the wrist and pulled it down.

"Quit scratching, people are going to think you've got lice."

"Like I care what those fuckers think."

He started to reach up, and she pulled his arm down again.

"It's itchy!"

"Then maybe you should've learned how to take a shower. Now, quit scratching."

He looked back out the window again as she made an annoyed noise. They rode the rest of the trip in silence.


	6. Pineapple Flavor Yo

"No, yous cock smokers, I want the extra large, ribbed ones."

Serendipity entered the Quick Stop just as the talkative prophet, Jay, was leaning over the counter verbally abusing the clerks. 

"Extra large? C'mon you dirt merchant, in your dreams." said the clerk in the backwards cap.

The other, more exasperated looking clerk, swapped the box Jay was holding for another.

"That's more like it, yo."

The clerk with the cap turned to the other one; "You're just going to contribute to this junkie's preposterous delusions of grandeur."

"Look, I just want to get him out of here. I haven't got time for this."

Jay looked over to the other prophet, Silent Bob; the barely noticeable quiet one. Silent Bob nodded and paid the clerks. Jay pocketed the box.

"These better be pineapple flavor, motherfucker."

The tired looking clerk sighed.

"I'm not even supposed to be here today."

As Jay and Silent Bob turned to leave, their eyes lit up when they saw Serendipity standing by the door.

"Hey baby, yous come back to give us that free show? There's a dumpster out back this place… me and Silent Bob goes back there alls the time."

"You do?"

"Fuck yeah. We gets the mad pussy left and right."

From behind them, the clerk with the baseball cap laughed. 

"Shut up, yous loser clerks. Don't listen to those two faggots, baby… we love the chicks. Right, Silent Bob?"

Silent Bob hesitated for a moment before nodding 'yes'.

"See?"

Serendipity opened the door and led the Prophets outside. 

"So are yous gonna fuck us or what?"

"Good luck", said Azrael from where he lay on the sidewalk. Serendipity grabbed him by the arm and pulled him to his feet.

"Jay… Bob… I assume you remember my… um… brother, Azrael."

Jay wrinkled his nose and started to fan his hand in front of his face. Silent Bob took a step back.

"Yous smell like a garbage can, yo. What the fuck, yous sleep in the dumpster last night? And where are those pansy ass horns of yours?"

Azrael opened his mouth with a barrage of obscenities read to fly out, but Serendipity cut him off.

"He has been turned into a human in order to find a girl who is very important to all of us. Which is why we are here. Bob, is your niece pregnant?"

Silent Bob looked surprised by the question, and shook his head 'no'.

"Are you sure?"

Silent Bob nodded 'yes'.

Azrael held his hand up to the height of the girl from the beach.

"Is she about this tall… dark hair… skinny little girl?"

Jay smiled and held his hand up lower than Azrael's.

"Nah, his fine ass lil' niece is like this… light brown hair and she ain't skinny. And, she's adopted, yo. Puerto Rican, I think. Puerto Rican, right?"

Silent Bob nodded 'yes'. 

Azrael thought about it for a moment. Slowly the gears started to turn in his beer-clouded mind.

Silent Bob added, "She's been staying with a friend nearby while in town for the summer, if you'd like to see for yourself. She might be at work now though. Come to think of it, her friend is about that height… skinny and has dark hair. I think Anita may've mentioned that her friend was pregnant also."

Azrael almost gasped out, "Anita?!"

Serendipity looked over at him, "You know her?"

"Anita on Louis Street Anita?"

Silent Bob nodded 'yes'.

Azrael grabbed Serendipity by the arm and pulled her away.

"We have to get back to Nana's house."

Serendipity called over her shoulder, "Thanks Schueler Bob." 

As they watched them run for the bus stop, Jay shook his head.

"Ain't that some shit? I was wanting to find out if these things were pineapple flavor with her fine ass. The whole world's against us, I swear to God."

Silent Bob slapped Jay on the back of the head.

"Hey!"

Jay jerked towards Silent Bob, as if he were wanting to hit him. 

Silent Bob stomped out his cigarette, then said; "Do something, bitch."


	7. Everything And More

The bus ride back seemed to have taken an eternity. Once it reached their stop, Azrael and Serendipity ran the entire way back to Louis Street. When they made it to the house across the street from Nana's, Azrael bent over with his hands on his knees trying to catch his breath. The run didn't bother Serendipity in the slightest. After a couple of minutes or so, they walked up the stairs and rang the doorbell. 

They heard the inner door open, then the outer door being unlocked. Standing there in the small hallway was none other than the girl from the beach, pigtails and all. She looked up at Azrael, and started to shut the door. He put his hand on it to keep it open.

"What… what are you doing here?"

Serendipity said, "A stupid mistake was made…" She glanced over at Azrael before continuing. "…and we've come to make things right."

The girl shook her head.

"You've done enough damage. Leave me alone."

She turned to go hide behind the safety of the inner door, but Azrael grabbed her by the arm as Serendipity teleported herself inside of the house, behind the girl. 

"Let go of me!"

Serendipity looked around. "There's no one home."

Azrael pushed the girl inside, locking both doors behind them. The house was dark and there was no furniture in the living room aside from a single purple bean bag chair. The 'la la la' from the upstairs neighbors' stereo filtered down loudly. 

The girl was wiggling around wildly, trying to get away. She started squealing. Azrael shoved her down onto the bean bag chair.

"Shut up!"

She looked up at him, as if she were going to start crying. Serendipity knelt down to her.

"Don't cry, we're going to fix this… and then everything will be back to normal again. Okay?"

The girl nodded, and quietly said, "Okay."

Serendipity stood back up, grabbed Azrael by the shirt, and pulled him over to the corner of the room.

"How do we fix this?"

Azrael shrugged.

"I don't know. I thought you knew."

"Me? This was your mission… neither side told you how to un-do this?"

"Noooo. If you haven't noticed, they don't tell me jack shit."

"Good God, Azrael… how can one man… demon… whatever… fuck up every single thing he touches?"

"I fuck up everything? Have you ever watched those movies you inspired? Top grossing films of all time… more like top shittiest films of all time. You and your pretentious, big budget, paper-thin plot, no substance eye-candy excuses for films can bite me."

"Oh you don't like my work, do you? I suppose your few meager creations were better. What were they again? You gave God the idea for the platypus, just what the world needed. Every tv show you've inspired has gotten canceled in it's first season. You duped that one kid into giving up skateboarding in favor of acting in a series of one-note movies that take place in New Jersey. Jersey, Azrael? Who wants to watch movies about New Jersey?! All you're good for is inspiring fan fiction."

"Hey, fuck you. I helped to create Adam."

"You picked up a handful of dirt… big deal. I inspired the Bible… best selling book of all time."

Azrael laughed.

"Yeah, that's really som…."

He was interrupted by an "ah-hem". They turned to see the Metatron glaring at them from across the room; wings extended and arms crossed. The girl could only stare up at him, pushing herself a little farther into the bean bag chair.

"What no fiery entrance?"

"As flammable as you are right now? I should think not. If I were able to get drunk, all I'd have to do is stand near you… you positively reek, demon. On top of that, you smell like a human."

A flash of anger crossed Azrael's face, but he held it in. A little grumble was all that escaped. 

"All right, now if you two are done squabbling like children… let's get this over with."

Metatron looked down at the girl.

"Now, little one…"

"Don't touch me!"

The girl jumped from the bean bag chair and ran towards the kitchen, no doubt aiming to run out a back door. Azrael grabbed her as she ran past him. The girl swung around and kicked him right between the legs. He let go of her and fell to the floor with an 'umph' noise. Serendipity laughed. Metatron shook his head, then snapped his fingers. A moment later he was in the kitchen blocking the girl's path. There was no table or any other furniture in the kitchen, so there was nothing standing between them. The girl looked up at him, fearfully.

"Don't hurt me… please."

Metatron managed a smile at her. 

"You have nothing to fear, for I am the Metatron."

The girl simply looked at him blankly.

"I'm an angel. I was sent by God to correct the mistake made by that demon you just gave a rather impressive kick to."

The girl continued to look at him, no sign if she was comprehending any of this or not. Serendipity appeared in the kitchen.

"Do you have a sandwich bag?"

The girl looked around.

"What? Oh, yeah… that first drawer. Are you an angel too?"

As Serendipity fished out a baggy and then started to fill it full of ice from the freezer, she said, "Sort of. I'm a muse. I inspire people to fulfill their creative potential."

"Hurry up!", yelled Azrael from the living room.

Serendipity rolled her eyes and then disappeared with the bag of ice.

Azrael was lying on the floor, carefully holding the bag of ice in place. Serendipity was sitting beside him, waiting on Metatron to finish explaining the situation to the girl in the kitchen. 

"You're a bastard, you know that?"

"Oh, sure… insult a man when he's down."

She reached over and pushed some stray bangs from his face.

"You know… if you weren't such a prick and a coward, you might not be a bad looking guy. Almost a shame you're my brother."

He looked at her as if to say 'what?!' and barely fumbled out, "I'm not _really_ your brother. We're no more related than you and Loki were. So… does this mean you want to fuck me?"

Serendipity shrugged, then stood as Metatron and the girl entered the room. As he passed Azrael, Metatron looked down and slightly chuckled. Azrael growled and grabbed at Metatron's feet, missing him by a long shot. 

Metatron put his hand on the girl's shoulder, and said, "I think we're all ready to do this. Lay down on the floor, little one."

The girl nodded nervously, then did as she was instructed.

"I'll warn you, taking this out will hurt… but once it's over, we'll all be the better for it. We're going to hold you down, to keep you from knocking my hands off. Trust me, you'll want this done right."

The girl sniffed a little as Serendipity knelt down at her head and pinned her arms to the floor. Azrael did sort of a half-crawl / half-slide across the floor to grab the girl by the ankles. Metatron got down on his knees, rubbed his hands together, then placed them on the girl's stomach. He smiled at her.

"Be brave, little one… you're in God's hands."

The only noise the girl made was a groan just as it started, but otherwise she was amazingly quiet. A blinding light enveloped Metatron's hands. Both the girl and Azrael had to close their eyes at its brilliance. When they opened their eyes again, it was all over. Metatron looked down at the girl and placed a hand over her eyes. When he removed it, she was asleep. Both he and Serendipity helped Azrael onto his feet, though he was still obviously in pain. 

"I guess all that's left is to turn you back to normal, demon."

Azrael sighed.

"Yeah. Well, can you make sure to put me someplace other than Hell while I'm in that transition thing? I'd like to avoid getting my ass kicked if at all possible. And… um… can you like… well… make Nana forget I was ever there? I don't want her to…. miss me."

Metatron looked highly amused.

"Azrael caring about a little old lady… now I've seen everything."

A thought occurred to Azrael and he smiled.

"Not quite everything…"

He turned to Serendipity.

"I know I'm not going to have this emotion when I'm a fucking demon again, or even remember what it feels like… so… I love you."

Both Serendipity and Metatron looked equally shocked. Azrael leaned forward quickly and kissed her full on the lips. Before she had the chance to either protest or accept his kiss, he was whisked away by a flash of light.

Serendipity stood for a moment, her mind a complete blank. Unsure of what to think as she touched her lips. Then, she herself disappeared back to Heaven, hoping that no one would ever find out about this.


	8. An Acceptable Second

Azrael opened his eyes. He had a slight headache, but nothing compared to that of a perpetual hang over. The constant screaming had once again returned to his mind. He was in his white suit and was cleaned up quite nicely. He reached up, and there were his horns just where they had been for almost his entire existence. He stood and looked around, unsure of where he was at first. Then, he recognized it as being the snow covered forest he had retreated to after he'd been forced to do that dreadful task at the beach. The snow began to fall.

"Welcome back, bunny boo."

He turned to find Delilah hanging upside down from a tree limb, smiling at him. Her warm smile gave him more of a headache. He frowned at her.

"I'm not your fucking bunny boo."

He looked at her for a long moment, hoping that she wouldn't speak. Hoping even more than she didn't know what he did… that no one would ever find out. He shoved Delilah slightly, so she'd fall from the tree. She landed in the snow with a squeak. He reached down to pick up his hat. As he was bent over, she shoved him. He landed in the snow, then rolled over. She pounced on top of him, smiling at first… then looking angry for the first time he could remember.

"Is that fucking lipstick?!"

Not exactly knowing why, maybe some leftover humanity that hadn't been washed away probably due to the transition, Azrael looked excessively guilty… remembering that Serendipity liked wearing make-up. Delilah looked down at him, giving that same expression she had when she would see his thoughts. Usually she did that to find something to annoy him with, he had no doubts about what she was looking for this time. Her expression changed to that of shock, then of disgust… she must have found it. She disappeared, which was something that he had taught her years ago, along with the ability to see others thoughts, and to call out to him with her mind. He regretted teaching her those skills quite often, but not this time. 

He lay there, letting the snow gently drift down on him. It was cold, he was alone, and it was silent save for the voices in his head. He sighed, feeling as though he could stay there forever. If he couldn't get back into Heaven, this would be an acceptable second. He hoped that all these feelings would wear off soon, they were quite annoying. By his estimate, he had about maybe a half-hour left before his human emotions would be gone. 'Not soon he enough', he thought. He could deal with being a depressed demon… not being a depressed demon in love.


End file.
